shubhessence

............comes to an end.
Thanks to the almighty.
It is bad when something goes wrong with you , but it is worse when something goes wrong with your loved ones.
Today was a not-so-good day.It is difficult to accept that you are being cheated upon.But then life never promised you that it is going to treat you well.
Good that another lesson is learnt today.
Infact , it should be an end of a good day actually.
Perception matters!! :)

What makes you write ? well not 'makes you' rather 'forces you' ....this is one of those hundred questions I ask myself ....
For me , I write when I am full of expression , which I usually am . Yes , I always have a need to converse but then who is available to listen to you all the time.If I go by what I think , what I feel, what I wish and many such 'whats' , I can fill pages and this is the case at any moment in time domain.I can't help it but I always have to talk ....no answer as to why ...when I restrict myself from doing so I land into a kind of depression ....But then with whom can u talk all the time and more so , with whom you can talk your heart out ....here comes my rescue ranger ...this beautiful page ..where in I can put everything ....all that can be revealed is made public and all that's close to my heart lies in the private section of the blog ...

I have always been very curious about myself. I always wondered what makes me behave the way I do and then read an analysis on Gemini by Linda goodman ....I am really thankful to the person who told me about any such thing ...it really helped me understand what I am and why I am the way I am .....talkative, hyperactive when it comes to thought process , changing(or evolving as I take it :)),believes in variety but runs from stability ...and all these combined characteristics make me write ...I write because I always have a thought to express ...I write because its difficult to find somebody who can understand me or you can say I do not wish to test anybody's patience :) ...I write because I keep on changing and want to know what I was sometime back ..3 months from now ,this article will help me understand what I was today....or where I was today ...I fear boundaries and limits ..this is my way of breaking the ceiling ....I write because I am confused and this method of expression helps me align my concerns ...I write to enjoy my freedom , this area is completely mine ..no intrusion ....I write because it is through this part of my life , friends can understand the real me and not what I put up to be ....I write to understand myself better ...above all I write to enjoy ..yes I do ...it gives me immense pleasure to put up things in words.....it feels like I have solved a riddle ...yes riddle of separating all those threads of ideas in my head ...and I fail to express the satisfaction of having done this ...
I write to give words to the childhood fantasy I felt on my way back from office today when it was raining and I actually was jumping in the middle of that dark road ....I write to express how I felt when I was left unanswered ...I write to give words to the expression of ecstasy I felt listening to that beautiful song ...I write to express my love which was forced to take backseat ...I write to justify my anger and disappointment .....I write to relish the taste of my thoughts ...
As I write this , I give myself a chance to feel each little part of universe around me .....doesn't that makes a good enough reason to write ...There are a hundreds of other things that compel me to write ...if I begin to state all of them , it will take ages ....as I said I can write limitless-ly :) so enough for today ..other reasons some other time ...
but not to forget to mention , i write 'coz I love being me!!!

This one seems to be quite funny but a friend suggested me to write 10 things about myself which are unknown to the closest of friends. Well I would like to give it a try . So here I go....

1) I can chat for hours(sometimes even days) but only with whom I would wish to.I block the rest in my GTalk friend's list(sometimes temporarily while sometimes permanently).My Gtalk's blocked list is longer than the friend's list at any point of time.

2) I have a secret desire to dedicate a song to someone special , in public.

3) I hate my habit of revealing my feelings ,however hard I try to keep them to myself.

4) I love giving surprises.Love getting too , but then that's rare.

5) I feel I have an active detective in me.I always end up knowing all I want to know about a person, it's just the 'wish to know' that's required.

6) I suffer from insomnia. A little thought for mind is good enough to limit my sleep to 2-3 hrs. At one point of time ,while I was in college, I did not sleep for more than 2 hrs per night for around 3 months.On an average , in a year , for not more than a month I sleep for over 6 hrs during night.

7) I want to be a freelance writer,be a part of NGO,would like to teach Microprocessor to students,learn Musical instruments and do a whole list of other things in time to come.I don't want to be an engineer anymore.

8) I love nights ....dark,windy,chilly,rainy are the best ...a lovely piece of music is good to keep me alive throughout night on terrace.This piece of music can be a single song which I can hear a 100s of times.There are quite a few in this category.

9) I can't dominate , neither can I be dominated.Not many will agree with me on that. Many of my friends say - I am quite dominating(all of them are girls) ...and many of my friends say I can be dominated(all of them are guys).

10) There's something seriously wrong with me.....don't know if it's love ... (If there are any parameters to make that out do let me know):).

She can fight against the whole world but deep in her heart she could not fight the fear of losing him ..neither has she enough courage to express her love for him openly....

After a tiring day , she found herself lying on those shoulders which she had always desired. The comfort was beyond comprehension.All her worries flew in no time and this was the perfect moment for her. While she was half asleep with her head on his shoulders , he took her hands in his own and softly gave her the assurance to be by her side throughout life.Finally, he was hers.
Atleast in her dreams she could call him her own!!

She could feel his eyes following her through the crowded hall.While she was on the call or having a conversation with that old friend at the other corner of the beautifully decorated and lighted hall, she was being noticed.Sometimes , when she wished to face the gaze , he would lose the contact but at other times the two eyes would get locked.It looked like a game of hide-n-seek.
They were there to celebrate a common friend's b'day.There was something strange in his looks today.Actually , since last few days there has been something strange in his behavior.
Probably , he was contemplating on something.
"Does she loves me ?"
"Is she the right one for me?"
"Do I really love her or is this just an infatuation?"
"Will we get along well?"
A thousand other questions were troubling him ...but he had no courage to face them.
He tried his best to stay away from her , which may help him come out of the illusion but that was not so easy.Whenever she was near , he was compelled to follow her- her expressions,
her words ,her liking/dislikings and most desperately , her thoughts about him.
With every passing day , he thought this confusion will come to an end soon but things were destined to go other way round. However hard he tried, he could not keep his thoughts at bay.

"Kitna waqt lagta hai kisi ko manane mein?" ..."I am sorry!!"

"Kitna waqt lagta hai dil ki baat bolne mein?" ..."Will you marry me?"

You guessed it right ..
With a beautiful piece of guitar playing in the background, SRK can be seen saying those emotion-laden lines in the latest Airtel advertisement ,one that promotes seconds-based call charging strategy.
I always wonder what goes behind marketing? For me, it would take ages of conversation before I decide to end up at these two lines and these people think that they can sell us,we-talkative Indians, the seconds-based plan with the help of these two lines. Do you think it will work? Well , I am sure it will ...after all that is what these marketing professionals excel at :). Hats off to them.

It is 4:30 AM by my laptop clock and I am awake since last 1 and half hours.Reason is simply unknown to me but a good night's sleep is becoming a bleak possibility these days ..If I go by what people say ....I am supposed to be in love.Don't know :(

yes yes yes ...finally I am successful in fulfilling one of my wishes ....it may be not be so surprising or difficult to achieve for you ....but for me , who is so fond of a company of friends and likes to be surrounded by friends always , going for shopping all alone is a wish come true :).
Yesterday, I was in a full masti mood , as always :) ...but was unfortunate to find a company to join me have some fultoo masti and I did not want to disturb anyone. Being true to my nature, I thought of trying something new ..why not accompany my ownself. Without wasting a minute and without letting myself drop this idea due to fear of lacking some(extra)one to join me , I moved out of my room.
I did not let myself think that I was alone.Earplugs at the right positons and India-Australia 4th ODI@ Mohali was not too far from me. So here was a good company for me. Took an auto and was there at a nearby mall in no time.
The action began with a treat for myself as it was lunch time.Shoppoholic me was at its best ;-).3-4 hrs of a good analysis of the stuff at various stores and finally spent around 3k.Meanshile, since radio signals were weak inside the mall I switched to the music player, playing a single song over 20 times ...yup this one's mine lastest favourite.It was absolute pleasure ...listening to your fav song , taking your own sweet time to shop and without the guilt to have somebody waiting for you to finally come to rest.I must say ..I was too good to myself.
Really , loved it ...will try this again sometime ..but there's one more thing waiting in line..a movie all alone.I just wish to see the expression on the face of the ticket salesman , when a girl ask for a single movie ticket at the counter :)

I was upset....really really upset. Not with anybody else , but with my own self. I wonder why do I allow myself to expect from people when I know it quite well that all these expectations have to meet the ground one day.Today was this 'one day'. Anyway , to overcome my disappointment I planned to watch a movie. YMI is a wonderful movie ..so very well scripted and directed.It was good enough to keep troubles out of my mind.By the time movie got over, it was around 2 AM. When you are under the effect of extreme emotions, it always gets difficult to sleep. I was under the effect.I gave up the thought to go to bed and making my task easier was my laptop.Found a couple of friends online.Among them was one, whose b'day was today ..though he was at the other end of the globe and was still waiting for clock to click 12 midnight , i greeted him.There were just a few exchange of messages when another chat window popped up .."Hi Shubhs ...online at this hr?"
The message was from a cousin..
Had this incident taken place some 12-13 years back , i would have called him my brother or may be a dear friend but with time and distance creating the gap , we were just like any other cousins.....I haven't met him since last 12 years or may be more ...During all these years we would have chat on Gtalk/yahoo for a maximum of 5 times and conversation for not more than 3 times ...But going back in time , as kids(me ,my sis, himself and his sis ...all of us with a max age difference of 4 ..he being the eldest and I being the youngest), we have shared some wonderful time for years during summer vacations ... I remember the time , we used to build tent in the park infront of our nanaji's place ..two of us always shared the same tent ...since the very beginning ,I was the mischievous kinds ...and at that age, when i was hardly 4-5 yrs old ..I,rather we, used to trouble our sisters a lot ..stealing away eatables from their tent .....
but over the years things changed...He lost his father, a very dear uncle of mine ...both of our sisters are married ..He could not come for my sis' marriage and I could not go for his sis' marriage and hence no chance to meet each other :(.Last I talked to him was this april, when he had come to India for his sis' marriage ...
As tha chat progressed, once again I could feel the concern,care and affection of a brother ...I was always fond of him and he would always save me from a good scolding..today I could feel that care again.... together, we would play pranks on our sisters , tease them and irritate them ....
I recollected the time span of 15 days when our family visited his ...I was around 10 years old when we went to hyderabad ...for the next fortnight we(both the families) visited too many places in the whole of south .Our cab was a 9 seat-er van .Uncle could not come with us for the trip due to his job..mom and aunt used to occupy the middle seats and 4 of us occupied the huge dickie of the van, where all the eatables were kept .Endless round of cards and ludo were played back there. Later , the back door was shut open and me and Bhaiya would hang our legs out and wave at all the people on road.Our journey to Ooty was amazing ...only three of us(me,bhaiya and Dad) were enjoying the beauty around ..mom,aunt and didis were too scared to look out ...absolutely unforgettable....it was my first visit to a hill station.
We discussed how life treated us over the last few years ...all good-bad memories of college , job etc ...how things are back at lucknow,kanpur ,hyderabad ,noida and London ...All the fun we had with friends and even all the crushes we had over the years ...We discussed how we used to get along well then and today again we are so much alike ...why we were not in touch through all these years and pledged to not let this happen again in life.Finally , we halted the chat at around 6AM with a promise to be in contact forever.
It felt like winning back not just a brother but a friend.

There's something peculiar about the beginning of winters. Some nostalgia associated with it. And usually this comes around the corner just after Diwali.Way back, when I was in college, we used to have 15 days vacation for Diwali(ppl , don't feel jealous ..that was the only time of the year when we got vacations apart from summer vacations).Every year when we used to return to college after the vacations , there was always this strange feeling of some unhappiness in heart. Coming back from home post a season of festivities was difficult and probably was the cause of such a feeling...don't know though!! Today,when I am a part of the bad bad corporate world, the vacations are no longer that long but that strange unhappiness is filling the heart again.
Yesterday, I was back from home(after diwali). As I reached the place I put up here in Noida, I was expecting my roomies to be already there to welcome me ..but to my disappointment nobody was there ..No problem ..there'll be others to join me to the bus stop ..disappointed again ...Ok!! there will surely be somebody at the bus stop ..altough i had already started wondering if it was sunday or monday :)..confirmed the date and day on my mobile ...I was followed by disappointment here again ..none of my friends were there at the busstop.There was some hope to find a few of them in bus but this time again things went against my expectations. Now there was last hope of finding one or two of my friends at the last stop , as these people did not go home due to lack of holidays ...atlast somebody boarded the bus, but the one who was least expected ...Thank God..atleast he boarded the bus ..else it would have been difficult for me to reach office in my senses.

Anyway , this was just the start of the day ..AT lunch, I was all alone.I remember skipping lunch more than 20 times for the simple reason of not having company ..but finally the day has come ...I refused to go with the usual stuff!!

On my way back from office , it was already dark.Nobody to accompany me from the busstop to pg. Temperature appeared to be a bit lower than it had been before I went for vacation. Moreover,I was not in routine of coming back at the usual time from office since past few days ..so the time and temperature correlation was a bit out of place :). Reminding me of the Diwali celebrations was the lighting throught the way.The smell of crackers filled the dew-laden air.All this once again brought back the 'nostalgia'.There are numerous occassions when we relate our senses to something/someone but we don't realise. Like a particular fragrance(usually that of a particular perfume/deo/cream) brings to you a memory of an old friend or a particular incidence . The nostalgia is the feeling I related to the dark,a bit cold evening.
(Although, i wonder a long walk with a dear friend can make such an evening so unforgettable. but alone me :(.)
I am unable to find words to explain this not-so-good feeling, it's just like I am forced to leave something(or someone) which(or whom) I do not want to let go ...as if things are going against my wishes and I will not be able to bring back time ....that's true ..I will not be able to bring back time but then why should I care for that??I don't like the silence of winters (all fans switched off :() ....probably because you miss the 'sound of life' around. The silence is uncomfortable. In winters, you are bound to be less social ..can't go out late ...no late night walks on terrace(which I still go for,no matter what's the temperature)....you are forced to talk on phone within the walls(this is seriously bad) and wear loads of clothing. Probably the unconscious realization of all this being near, sets up up the nostalgic atmosphere.
The phase is on ...

Yesterday I was all geared up that today will be the end of restlessness.I will talk things out no matter what the result would be. But being a human,once again I could not stick to my decision.When it was time to talk things out,I moved back.Afraid of all the assumptions he would make about me.Whether we'll continue to be friends?Or will it be too extrovert of me to convey my feelings?All this and what not troubled me throughout the day and finally I was reluctant to go with my heart(and against the mind).

I wonder if even today,in 21st century, a girl revealing her liking to a guy would be consider appropriate?Can she dare to say her heart out without fearing about her image being hurt?I have often heard that you should always respect the person who loves you(for selfless love is an extinct possibility),even if you can not reciprocate the feeling.But will here also this case hold true?

Well,as for me,I am a bit too communicative. I always consider everyone has a circle of friends who have an influence on them , a circle of people whom we can depend upon ...and the reason for the existence of such a group is that we can frankly give words to your thoughts and feelings with such a lot around.Does that mean communicating your thoughts give a special strength to a bond?In that case, we should all be willing to communicate our feelings/emotions , be they of love,anger,irritation,care,affection or just being considerate about that special friend/friends of ours , but ,unfortunately, we don't do it ;Thinking how will people react to our thought process.I would like to bring this change to the world.
But before opting for this revolution, I would like to stir myself .
Lets hope tomorrow I can say what could not be said today. :)

Life is an unending journey! This has been the inspiration of all my earlier blogs ..at occassions we experience chilly wind , while at others bright sunny day ...this has been the content of my articles till date. But now it's time for a change ...I thought , why not change my perception for once and consider journey with an unending life in it.This is very much the case with me ....in last one year I have been to atleast 8 new destinations and the counting is still on ...credit goes to the bunch of friends , looking for a reason and occassion to trouble you in the name of trip...
Now the next question waiting for an answer is why only this time and not on earlier occassions did I think of scribbling an account of the trip ..well! i have very strong point to jusify my lethargy ...on each of my earlier trips , I was always accompanied by somebody who was willing to put down the experience in words ..but this time(for a change),an unfortunate me had no other option but to get down to some serious blogging ...
To begin with ...3 consecutive long weekends were too close to visit home on each of them.For the first two of them I did visit home but on third it was time for a change ....the dates were 2-4th Oct'09. A friend was planning to visit Dehradun and suggested us to accompany him.Here, Us refers to two other of my collegues and one of my pg-mate, whose b'day was on 2nd and I didn't want to spoil her b'day by staying back at pg .It was on 30th sept that we finalized to visit dehradun/mussoorie. Destination was set but plan was not ...whole of the 1st was wasted in deciding whether to begin the same night or next day early morning...finally we locked on watching a recent bollywood astrlogical flick 'What's you Raashee?" on 1st night and begin move ahead with our mussoorie plans the next day early morning.An important point to be noted here is by this time the person who coined this idea of visiting Dehradun was out of the plan ..

2nd Oct, 3:30AM --- Wake up S...e..ee..Shobhit ....
Well i was forced to wake him up to make sure we move at the right time ...
Mudit came to pick me and Neha up from our Pg , at around 4:15AM and on we were on our way ..
On the way, Mudit was greeted by some of his 'early-riser friends on streets', they were to miss him for the next two days ..after asuring them of his early return he drove further.My hard work paid and SHobhit was on time , this time :).Shobhit and I took turns in helping Mudit get away with his sleepiness every now and then ....had breakfast of 'Aloo parathans' and chai and moved on ..we had just begun with our game of Ludo, which was so enticing that Mudit even thought of parking the car at one corner of the road and continue the journey only after completing one game under a tree's shade, Shobhit and Neha could not handle the excitement of the game and opted for a break,a nap ....Finally , we were there at Dehradun @10:30 AM.Although, Suresh could not join us for the trip , like a caring friend , he made sure we could park our car at a safe location. Our driver was willing to continue till Mussoorie but then we should not be inhumane to our drivers . Took a cab and reached Mussorrie by 2..finalized the room.The Hotel we chosehad a wonderful lawn with 4 chairs and table laid down specially for us to continue with our Ludo Championship.Before the lunch could arrive , we had been through one game of ludo.
The atmosphere was completely set for a wonderful evening...The excitement could not stop Shobhit from skipping mine and Mudit's turn ..and the eternal bliss on his face was unmatachable and a rare phenomenon ...Mudit's revengeful attitude was at his best , while Neha was totally confused about these happenings ...after all it was her first trip experience with friends..Atlast,Ramlal interrupted us with the extra clean plates , but undoubtedly tasty food ..
Our first destination was Kempty falls, took a cab to the place and reached with in next 45 minutes ...we trekked to some height to have a closer as well as a colder look at the clean water .. we were just considering of having a look when the guys headed to actually have a feel of the same ... well ..well ..that's rt , they could not abstain themselves from having the first hand feel of the cold water and dropped in ...Meanwhile , we gals , allowed our feets to have the experience ...1 hr of fultoo masti and then we were forced to move as the cab-wala was waiting for us ...our plan to have maggi and tea was spoiled due to his strict schedule ..but we did not allow him to succeed and decided to have maggi @ the mall road, Mussoorie.A look at Espresso brought back life to our tiring body.Strolling through the mall road, paying our tribute to Mahatma gandhi on his jayanti and deciding upon from where to buy cake ,we reached back to our hotel room . And there we were....back to our game of Ludo ...one more take on fun and masti before the guys moved on to get the cake ...And there to my surprise , not only did they brought cake but also chocolates.And yes, I forgot to mention that , we(me and Neha) experienced a homely(rather pgly :)) atmosphere - special thanks to the age old TV in our room ..
Finally the cake was cut and I did not the miss the chance to try my expertise on make-up.Now it was time to pick up a new game - cards , this time ...while the guys had full enthu , it was getting difficult for us to makeout a spade from a club in the first game ..the second one was still better ,but still not good enough to be tolerated for long.So,we gave up..it was time for bed ...
Me and Neha were clever enough to judge the temp through the night and doubled our blankets and enjoyed a good night's sleep ...but the boys could not beat the cold and once again prooving their 'bhai-chaara' ,each one of them did not disturb the other thinking that he would be asleep, when none of them could actually sleep ...
Next morning brought with itself a new life with a special good morning message from 2 members of our ancestral family . Morning walks are a good way to keep yourself fit and how could we ever miss a chance to experience the cold fresh hilly breeze....There came an opportunity for Shobhit to win a chocolate from me ..he did win it but refused to accept the chocolate ...why aren't there a few more like him on this earth ?? Walked for a distance of around 2km and back we were to our hotel room ....took no time to get ready for our next destination , Gunhill Point.Since the last day , I was shouting every now and then about my wish to have Jalebis for breakfast ...but people gave no heed to it and hushed it away by saying 'Kyun?' ...this time again I missed the opportunity of having jalebis ..
But before breakfast could be served , we went for another game of Ludo ..it seemed to be our pre-meal ritual ...as we were about to finish our breakfast , we observed a dense smoke arising from the city ..neha argued that it was indeed smoke when I told that it were clouds ...In an effort to resolve the conflict, we confirmed it from a 'bhaiyaji' that they were clouds..before heading for the trip I had a view of the weather forecast ,which predicted cloudy/rainy whether for the day ..and Boss, it was actually true ...the weather was really amazing ....taking advantage of the awesome climate , we decided to trek to gunhill point , rather than taking a ropeway to the top ....the view through the trek was mesmerizing ...clouds everywhere but still everything seemed so clean ..that's the beauty of hills ...without missing an opportunity to click a snap at every possible point we reached the point ....had cold coffee and a session of shooting ...I never knew I could be such an expert at shooting untill this time ...but it was only because of some shooting gyan provided by Mudit..On the way back , we stopped at an aquarium , where I was almost being robbed of the change I recieved in turn of the tickets. Shobhit has some real fun , being able to relate himself to one of the silent fish in a pond... as we moved on ,the guys had some real tough time in running away from a bunch of girls who were trying to capture the two smart guys :)they did not want those girls to be troubled thoughout their lives in search of these two smarties ....
After a glimpse of my direction sense , Shobhit's unfulfilled wish to tattoo some wild characters on his hand and unfruitful attempt by Mudit to fetch money from atm , we came back to the hotel only to get back to anouther round of Ludo before Lunch ...This time it was a partnership game and what a disaster it was for me and Shobhit ....only to blame our badluck :).It was getting late and soon we headed for Dehradun.At around 6PM we were waiting for Mudit to get the car back from the parking and in no time we headed for Delhi ..As everything does not go as planned ..some of Mudit's post this trip plans were disturbed ..but maintaining his cool , he took his job of the driver ..on our way back home , we stopped at a temple ...For Shobhit,Pak-NewZealand Match was a big concern , and only my newly bought Samsung mobile could help him with the score ...After a bit of gyan by our babaji , an argument between me and Mudit and an unfortunate exprience of tyre-puncture , we stopped at a dhaba to have our dinner ...Journey resumed and the good old songs filled the car ....Finally , at around 1:45AM , we were back to our starting point with another set of memories to last for ever ...

After every few days when I could enjoy the pleasure of some 'time' , the first thing I notice in my room is the mess I have created on the table. Every time I arrange things properly , dust off the dirt and remove all the unwanted stuff from it and finally promise myself that from now onwards I'll try my best to maintain it the way it is ..shall only dust off the dirt every now and then ..but then again after a few days I am back to square one ...
Does that happen with you as well??
At moments I feel, the mess on the table is nothing but my own life ...I don't care for it till I have sometime for myself ..I mean my life is not my first priority....
After a few days of dirt around , when all the thoughts are blocked and when there is no understanding of the direction I want myself heading to that I take a break and TRY to put things back to track ...once again revise the goal of my life , recollect what all I had been missing since past few days , what should be my routine , what should be done to improve on my skills and keep me busy ....without even wondering how busy I was to even care for this thought in the past few days ...and not to forget to promise myself that I'll follow the answers I have provided to these questions ...but then life is like that table ..again messy!!!
I wonder :do I live to remind myself that I am alive??

aankhon se beh kar zameen pe bikhar gaye ..
yeh wo moti hain jo pani hi reh gaye!!!!!!!!!!

What is life???
This mysterious question cannot be covered with a one-liner or for that mater , with a single concept. With change in context , the meaning of life changes .Recently I encountered one such possibly correct version of the question(Possible coz I am too immature to understand the trivialities of life).

Life is not about getting up early ,going to office,back home ,having dinner without even noticing what's being offered and off to bed. All these tasks can be performed by a LIFELESS robot ,so ,this surely can't be life.Then, is life feelings attached with all these acts?
Getting up and wishing had there been no monday?????
Eating food without relishing its taste or without realizing that it is one of the basic needs we work for....
Working as if that is all we are alive for!!!!!!!!
But even this doesn't seem life as throughout this struggle we had been waiting for night, rather sleep,the dead part of the day..

Then probably there's something else defined as life....Is it the smile that glitters on your face when you get-up realizing there are yet another lively moments to live ..is it the feeling of being contend after sharing a wonderful lunch with friends made delicious with humor...or is it the happy realization of being caught in the moments you have always desired to live(it can be listening a beautiful song , a stroke of brush dipped in your favorite colors , enjoying the bright sunny day or charismatic effect of the silence of night or spending hours with your own-self). This seems to be a better version of life , at least for me ...Of late I had been missing life badly....I am happy being back to life!!!!!!!!

rushing from one door to another ..trying hard to break it open..hitting against the dead wall..screaming and shouting at the top of her voice ..somebody come and open the door..help me move out ..but for no use ...she was trapped !!!
she hoped that this was just a nightmare and she would break herself free as she opened her eyes ..but unfortunately ..the situation was more complex than a dream .. she was facing the harsh reality , she had only heard about , or read in stories...
she felt stagnated and trapped ..trying to find out a way out ,but without success ..she was fed up of reminding herself that she ought to think positive whatever the situation be ..this time it has been the limit of her patience ..and she was so isolated ..the world was on the otherside of those walls and doors ..how is it that for the first time ..she could not solve the riddle , find the key to those locks ..lying helpless..wounded!!
now it has started to bleed ..its high time now to break the ceiling ..or else she will suffocate herself!!

aaj fir khud ko akela pa kar humne khud ko yaad kiya hai
na jaane kitne dino baad tanhayi ne humara saath diya hai
zamane ko dikhane wali hansi ne aaj intezaar kiya hai
do aansuon ke liye usne apna ghar nilam kiya hai !!!!!

1)Why is it difficult to keep pace with stable life??????

2)Hands of the clock repeats its path every hour/min/sec but still time changes...how ????

3)History repeats itself then why do we study... lets experience..

4)What needs more courage----carry out the decision to end life or fight back against this wish????????

5)Why do we take hours conveying things indirectly which can be conveyed directly,in a few words???

6)What has a greater effect-----lyrics of a beautiful ghazal or the incidence we relate to it???

7)Why is it easier to express yourself to a stranger than to a dear one??

8)Do people really stop falling in love after their breakup??Or they can just not help it and
decide the fate of second on the basis of the memories of the first???

9)Is it the journey ,with a nice company , to your destination that is more interesting or the satisfaction of reaching there, finally !!!

10)Why do i need answers to these ???koi exam nahi dena mujhe :)

Today was the last day in office of one of our colleague , so we had planned for a farewell lunch party.
Maintaining the customs of the modern day society , we had arranged the lunch in Haldirams in one of the malls nearby. Two of us went a bit early to get a gift which was to be presented as a memento to him . In a few minutes everybody else from the team joined us. I listed down the orders and went to the counter. As a normal routine , while at the counter and waiting for the order I overheard the conversation of the people there.
Guy to a gal: " Kaafi badi ho gayi ho"
the girl smiled ...
guy again: " Bhaiya kahaan hain aajkal??"
Without any sign of grief or loss the girl replied ..."He's no more ".
guy: " I am sorry ... kab hua yeh sab?"
gal: " 20days back"
Just .....20 days back!!!!......I thought ....
but by the time they were back to their normal conversation...

I turned back and moved on , as if nothing has happened . just wondering how cud i justify my response ..or for that matter, reponse of all the people involved in the conversation ...

Have we grown up to be saints or have ended up being "insensitive fools" ???????

"HORIZON"-God knows whats so special about this word that it always seems to carry a charm with it. It has such a hypnotising effect on me that it had been password of my email-ids pretty often(for security reason it is no more).Its difficult to say when it captured my thought process but surely it had been years, rather a decade.

As a child , when i came accross its meaning for the first time, I was wonderstuck to know that not all that we see is real- no matter even if you see it all the time and all around you.The concept of Earth and sky meeting is nothing but an illusion.

It is often preached that something thats unreal/false cannot stay for long but i guess "HORIZON" is the oldest mirage and will remain so till the world comes to an end.
How Ironical!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


My grandpa used to narrate a story to us , pretty often. It goes like this....A man wanted to show to the world that he is the richest man on the face of the earth. To prove this he decided to construct a house as high as the sky. In this process he spent years but everytime he thought he would touch the sky , the sky seemed to go higher and higher.Finally after too much of struggle without result , he realized that sky cannnot be touched.

I am somehow forced to relate this story with the exsistence of HORIZON which again seemsto keep skipping out of your reach everytime you find yourself approaching it.

Is realizing man, limitations of his abilities, the purpose of HORIZON
(a concept that can never exist)????

"Have you ever been in love?" this question pops up every now and then . Sometimes I avoid answering it or may be at some occasions a blunt reply "NO". When under the influence of sense of humor , i would answer...."I guess I am a bit too sensible for anything like love".
But today i want to tell all of them ...I have LOST my senses...
Yup!!! I AM IN LOVE......finally...
with whom ???....ne guesses...



huh!!!never mind...i'll answer..
I am in love with myself. sounds stupid .. i dont mind ( love is not a matter of brains).
Its difficlt to say how old this love is...but it is the purest and most satisfying
experience I have ever had. Since i remember gaining senses, as they say, I have loved being the person I am.

I love it when my parents remind me that we( me n my elder sis) have honored them with the privelage of being parents to the two most wonderful daughters on the face of the Earth.I love being myself when my sister comes to me with her silly queries and we end up fighting over those petty issues.I love being a part of such closely knit family where each morning every member prays for the welfare of every other . I love it when being the youngest member of the family I own the maximum say in any decision.
I know you must be feeling jealous of me by now.

Not just this, I have been blessed with the friends who mean the world to me and for whom, i am no less, i can say that so confidently. I know people who can do anything than to see a tear drop down my eye. Its for them that i hardly cry.

I love when people say that they want to know me more , wish for my company and it is so much fun being with me. I love myself when i recollect that i have a wonderful time planning mischiefs at school/college and then proudly accept them.Even the thought that there are people who envy me gives a feeling of being someone worth it.

I enjoy it most when people say that I am very insensitive person who is far away from emotions and the serious issues of life. Though the fact is a bit different , but i love myself for being such a natural actor.I love it when people tag me to be intelligent and brainy when such conclusions have resulted from a wild guess that ended to be a hit.I love it when people call my irresposible attitude.."practical approach" towards life.It gives pleasure to hear them say that i have enough mental strength to fight against the problems of life when reality is I have never put enough efforts due to my laziness.

I love myself for being able to enjoy my conversations with myownself for hours. I can sing to my own self and enjoy each note and every lyric.I love myself for being able to make people laugh by acting stupid 'coz i believe "one should always be ready to laugh on oneself than to leave the job for others". I love being me for not letting my mind stop working when the heart is loaded with emotions, the two are far apart and they should always remain the same.I enjoy every phase of life , live each moment to the fullest and collect all of them to keep reminding myself " I HAVE LIVED A WONDERFUL LIFE".

what are you thinking???Do you want to be in my shoes??????????????

When you're deep within the dark ocean...
lying beneath the unturned rocks
the waves then breaking along you..
show you : there's no end to trail!!!!!!!

To be with you every moment,
Share our love every moment,
drawing images of a beautiful tomorrow 
refining them every moment !!!!!!!!

I always believed that it is never so difficult to know oneself . Fortunately or unfortunately , I have recently ended up with  a small but significant modification in this understanding ...... "its not always easy to know oneself". 
Fortunate  ---- I am ready to learn with my experiences and change my own views towards life
Unfortunate ---- I have been living this state of confusion for a long time and need to answer my own-self .

I have always been an organized person - whether it be things or thoughts. Being a gemini , I proudly own the capability to look at pros and cons of an action/decision , but recently i could feel this clarity missing in my thoughts. Instead , I am missing the interest to ponder upon things and then take an action. This is eventually causing my life to move on , on its own. God knows whether its good or bad ( here again I give up the task of deciding ).

Last few days, have been quite eventful. Both personal and professional life was full of new experiences , which makes it even more difficult to say that this state of indecisiveness is the result of changes at which front , or has resulted due to intrusion of one into the other or vice-versa.????
Questions , questions and questions..............that's what I can find around me , but answers ..... NONE!!!!!!

A virtue which I have gained in past few weeks is patience. I had always been very impatient and short- tempered.
But I am no more . Had I been the same today, I would never have bore with so much dilemma for so long (now this adds up to be one of the disadvantages of being patient).

The more i explore myself, the more perplexed i become. Now what this confusion is all about - "DONT KNOW" . Its not that I am unsatisfied with myself. Its not even that the life has been quite monotonous. But still there's something missing. When I try to name this "Something" , I end up with suggestions like "either you are thinking too much or not at all". Altough in the recent past , i did not have enough time to perceive which direction I am heading to but today i feel  , I have time but probably there's too much of fog to understand the picture clearly. 

I thought giving sometime to myself and putting my thoughts in writing would help me know myself better but I guess I have been caught in a deadly whirlpool of thoughts and I need to gather enough reason to successfully fight against my own thoughts.
GOOD LUCK Shubha!!!

I was talking to an old friend yesterday when this thought of mine took shape in the form of words........"How selfish each one of us is????"
Have you ever wondered that even when we say " I did such and such for him , but today he doesn't remember of any of those favors".
At  this moment of time , I am forced to say - "Are you sure that you did all those favors just because he wanted it and seriously you gained nothing out of it... not even happiness or the feeling of being great". I purely deny this fact. Even if you love somebody and you care for him , its always because "YOU" have desired it . There's always a kind of  "HAPPINESS and SATISFACTION" in that care which you always desired. This happiness is all yours and throughout the relationship you have been receiving it in return. This was the incentive you were looking for. Wasn't that selfish on your part????.
For that matter, in each and every relationship we look forward to some kind of return , which is strong enough to force us to make so called "SACRIFICE". It might be the happiness to have made your parents proud of yourself, a feeling of being great to have solved a friends problem , a satisfaction for having shared somebody's sorrow or feeling content having loved the person whose company you desire most.......
I wonder if you  believe you did anything without looking for you interest......................??????????????